my struggle with a day about love

This is a long one, so buckle up friends.

During this weekend of love, I wanted to talk about my own experiences with love and how I deal with the love I receive from others as well as myself. Everyone has their own feelings towards valentines day be it positive or negative, but for me it's usually bittersweet. 5 years ago, I made a blog post similar to this one, talking about my feelings and such, but it was much more light hearted. Then again, I made that post before getting into my first relationship. Call it naivety, but I like the attitude it had back then.

I'm very much a hopeless romantic, I've been that way for years. Growing up I always had a vision of me with my partner being very successful in our respective careers, living in a loving household with my partner and hopefully kids later down the line once we've established ourselves in our early years. But we've all been there, those ripe adult years when you get into your first real relationship, and then a while later when you get into your real relationship, because the first one didn't work out. I've had a few people come and go who I thought would stay in my life forever, and the pain that comes with those losses really does a number on you for a while. 

It's hard to not think about those failed relationships when you're in a new one, especially when you feel like you truly have a good thing going with your partner. The thought of losing them is devastating, and you can't help but feel like your life cannot go on without them, because in them and in your relationship you see the foundations of what could be, that vision of being with your person and doing life together.

The mental process of fighting the demons in your head telling you it's not going to work out may fester into a weekend of terrible anxiety over the thought that your partner doesn't love you anymore, that they're tired of you and need space, or that they're seeing someone else. Of course these thoughts are going to happen, because it happened before the first and the second time, so why not the third? 

That's the kind of mentality I've been struggling with for a while now. Relationships in general are hard, and learning to trust your partner can be difficult when you've been burnt by others before them. It's even worse when you're 3,459 miles away from your partner, because it means that you have to learn to trust them so much more than your brain is capable of, while knowing you have no control over what happens on the other side of the ocean.

If you're like me, you might understand this unfortunate concept called a self fulfilling prophecy, in which “A false definition of the situation evokes a new behaviour which makes the originally false conception come true”. This could manifest in many ways; you could be convinced that your partner doesn't love you anymore, so you find any little reason to believe this, like a missed phone call or them forgetting to say I love you after a phone call ends. You might present them with this 'evidence', or constantly ask them to reassure you that this isn't the case, but this only pushes them further away, because it's the 2nd time this month that you've brought it up, even though they already reassured you that they love and care for you.

I realized that I was doing all of this with my current partner. Out of fear of being rejected a third time, I was projecting these insecurities onto them, constantly asking for more love and time when I knew they simply couldn't give it to me at this point in time because of their busy schedule. Rather than remind myself they were probably stressed out because of such heavy work load and responsibilities, I would convince myself they didn't love me and wallow in self pity over losing the person I love. 

So when valentines day comes around, it's really difficult for me to navigate. I remember past experiences of receiving nothing from previous partners that just didn't love me the way I needed if at all. I also remember moments like last year, where my current partner and I spent the day watching shows and playing Stardew Valley together while on facetime, having dinner together, and just enjoying each others company. So to know how it feels to be on both sides of a coin, it's painful to feel like the coin is flipping, even if it's all in my head.

It's hard to sit myself down sometimes and say,

"listen here you whiny bitch! your partner is working really hard in law school to achieve his dream career and that might mean having to sacrifice time with you if it means getting more reading done or handing in an assignment on time. it's okay to miss him, and it's okay to want that time carved out to have time together, especially on valentines day, but you need to remember that this is only temporary, just like the long distance. instead of whining about missing him, step up and be there for him, support him and encourage him when he does have time for you, rather than project negative feelings and trauma's about the false conceptions you've created in your head.

 he will appreciate the support and love despite the lack of time, and that will make him love you more than you can even imagine, so suck it up, fix up, and focus on you! so that you can give him the space he needs to focus while you focus on dealing with these insecurities. so that you can be that person who supports him, and all that time crying can be put into working on your own career and goals. so that once he's finished with law school, you'll also be finished with your masters and have a successful career, ready to close the distance and be with your forever partner" 

Having a mother who is as close as my own, who can sit me down and tell me all of this when I don't have the mental capacity to do it myself, is something I will forever be grateful for, and I truly hope anyone reading this post has that person they can talk to. It's good to have someone tell you that actually, it is all in your head, and you're kind of an idiot for letting those demons almost ruin a really good thing you have going, because of other people who didn't know how to treat you right. But I need to say these things to myself so that I can create a new self fulfilling prophecy, where I believe everything will be fine, my partner still loves me as tiring as I may be, and we build together that vision of me with a successful career, a loving partner, sharing our lives and creating new ones in our home. 

And if none of that happens, I need to be okay with that outcome, and know that the love I put into taking care of myself and my mental health will be more than enough to get me through life. 

By taking the first steps of recognizing my issues with anxiety, and my selfish and even toxic actions that I used to consider as 'self defence' to protect my heart before it's broken, I can now put in place an action plan for me to work on these issues. Seeking out therapy and continuing to give myself me time, while also actively applying to jobs and masters courses, so that I can grow and hold up my end of the deal that I made with my partner, as well as myself.

I'm a hopeless romantic who worries over the slightest thing, and I'm grateful I have such a patient partner who has put up with my behaviour for so long. While this valentines day won't be filled with quality time and affection (not due to a breakup, but because he's busy with assignments lol), I can look forward to spending all the other valentines days with him that way, and as long as I be understanding and patient, it will be with my forever partner.