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life lately ; 10 - grief, grace and gratitude

Since working full time, I found myself fully investing myself into my job and work commitments, to the point where I stopped doing things I really enjoyed, mainly because once I got home I was simply too tired to do anything other than heat up the dinner my mother had prepared and go to sleep soon after eating. Some days I wouldn't even eat or shower, just went straight to bed and scrolled through twitter before falling asleep less than a half hour later. 

I wouldn't say I wasn't looking after myself, I was honestly just tired. There's no way of sugar-coating it, working retail is hard, especially as a manager, and not being able to explore my passions as much as I would like is a little frustrating. It feels like I'm being pushed into a different direction, and I find myself wondering if that's that direction will be worthwhile, or if I should take myself out of the comfort zone I've found myself in and explore different avenue's.

This feels weird to say, but the death of the Queen this month really put everything into perspective for me. For many people in the UK, we saw her constant presence as a symbol of stability, and watching her procession yesterday really brought it all home for me that things change. Life happens and so does death. I felt this weird feeling of grief, not for a woman I barely knew, but for what I learnt from her. Sometimes you won't be able to speak your mind, but you ultimately have the power to do what is best for yourself.

Life is so short but also very long, and I have plenty of time to do the things I really want to do, so I can take my time and give myself some grace. When I think about the things I've accomplished this year, it reminds me that I'm on the right path, a path I've laid out for myself. I might be taking detours here and there because life happens, but when I feel ready to continue the path, I forge on ahead with such conviction that I can't feel my feet on the ground! I know it's something I need to work on. Grounding myself. 


But with September being the month of refreshing the mind and body as we enter a new academic year, I've decided to focus on learning how to feel gratitude for the things I have around me, and the moments I experience during the most mundane aspects of my life. I've carved out time to play games, clanfolk and disney dreamlight valley being key stress relivers for me this month! I'm planning, but make no promises, to get back into reading. Big ask I know, but I have a bunch of books I bought in the start of the year that I want to get stuck into this autumn. 

This is the third of my 3 days off work, so I used this time to reflect on the last few weeks and my feelings about work, my feelings towards the Queen's death, and my feelings about myself and my direction in life. I also used this time to practice selfcare, cleaning my room, sorting my wardrobe for autumn, having a pamper session and wash (hair) day. It sounds really silly, but I feel like the autumn equinox gives me a little boost? My energy is renewed and my thoughts are collected and organized, so that I'm ready to take on another season of my life. 

It sounds rather poetic but it couldn't be closer to the truth. I'll be turning 25 next month, so I feel like I'll be doing a lot of reflection in the next few weeks. Hopefully by then those thoughts will be much less chaotic and all over the place as they are right now, but I guess it's a insight to my mind currently.

Cluttered with thoughts, but cleaning it up slowly.



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