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life lately ; 07 - this adult stuff is hard, isn't it?

Most of this week has been a very long and agonising repeat of small unfortunate events and slightly larger inconveniences that slowly built up into an array of woes in my life, and as much as I hate to say it, I really lost the battle with my mental health. I truly tried to stay positive those last few weeks, but after I lost my tablet charger and had to find money for a new one, my favourite idol group announced two members were graduating, I dropped my blueberries over the floor while making breakfast, almost started a fire in my bedroom, and got rejected from a lot of job applications, I just broke down. I also haven't had any time to spend with my boyfriend because he's so focused on law school. And I miss him, a lot.

You see, when I made my list of new year resolutions, I had all these idea's of how I wanted this year to plan out. Get a job within the first month, get an internship, save up some money, spend time with friends and family, have quality time with my partner, improve my physical and mental health, find my style and brand, blog more. But since solidifying those goals for the year I actually think I've taken 20 steps backwards. I think I started off the month pretty well in my defence, I was keeping track of my habits and writing to-do lists and actually getting shit done, but everything just suddenly broke down. 

I don't know if it was me doing too much too fast, but I just become so overwhelmed with it all, and could feel my mental state getting worse with every rejection email I received, every time I tripped over the air, every moment I couldn't spend on the phone with my partner, every nightmare I had, it was too much. Before I knew it I was in my mums arms crying my eyes out while she pats me on the head telling me I'm doing well because I'm trying my best, and if I give it my best then it will work out in the end. 

You know those random viral Japanese lucky rankings that go around at the end of each year, where the placement of your birthday on the rankings indicates how much lucky you'll have that year? I'm pretty sure I was in the bottom half on the page, somewhere between 250 and 300. Some might say it's not as bad as rank 365, and others might think these rankings are a load of shit, but I couldn't help but think of the ranking each time something inconvenienced my life in some way. It's really hard to keep trying when you have that in the back of your head. 

My mum always says I have a knack for getting back up when I'm down, but it's good to let yourself be sad once in a while. So, I'm spending this weekend trying to look after myself a little. Last night we indulged in pizza and chinese because we couldn't choose, and watched movies and comfort shows and ridiculous game shows, and shouted at Politian's on PMQ and Question Time as they tried to deny there was a crisis with the rising cost for gas an electric, or waiting for Sue Gray to give a report on what we all know was a poxy party at number 10. My mum explained why Carrie Bradshaw uses gloves while she smokes, while I explained how Logan was the best boyfriend for Rory and that the reboot really destroys their relationship by making Rory "the other woman" again. I'm almost done with my book of the month.

My life definitely isn't perfect, and I would give anything to live the life of my dreams as a fashion consultant in a rich house with my hot lawyer boyfriend and fur babies, but right now I'm just not at that point, and at 24 that's perfectly okay. There are 11 out of 12 months of the year to go, and things will get better with time. I just need to allow myself time to be upset and cry when things go wrong and stop trying to put up an act of being strong, and get up again only when I'm ready.


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